It only matters what works for you.

Who am I?

One of the problems with being fat is that you spend your whole life trying to be someone else.

Someone thinner. And if you can’t achieve thinner, then you spend a lot of time racking up what you hope will be enough ‘normal’ points’ that you can be perceived as ‘acceptable’ despite your obvious failing.

Be friendlier. Be smarter. Be cleaner. Be obsequious, gentle, patient, forbearing…

Never display a personality trait that might take points off, because you start at such a huge deficit.

Of course, we’re only pretending. Nothing we can do will ever be enough to balance fat.

If we ever get to the point where we realize that, then we’re a bit lost, because we don’t have any practice actually being ourself. Who the heck am I anyway. Do I behave this way because it’s me? Or because I think it will win me points? Did I condition myself to behave like this?

Am I the person who can stand up in public and talk about how amazing I am at my job?

Or am I the person who writes blog posts late at night asking if I please couldn’t be someone else for a few days?

Well, I supposed everyone has days like that. Today is my day.

What do you do when you’ve tried everything over and over to be different, and you just aren’t?


Comments on: "Who am I?" (1)

  1. I think you and I are on the same wavelength. So many parallels. The post you did after this … about guilt is the way I would phrase it … every word, every phrase, was one I’d recently thought or said. I went comment on it and received “page not found”. Isn’t that the way of it, the one you want to see the most? Just know, I understand; I agree: and I feel your pain.

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