One of the hard parts about blogging about health is that sometimes, when your health isn’t getting anywhere, you’re just so darn tired of fussing and so frustrated with lack of progress that you can’t stand to think about it. Or blog about it.
The really excellent news is that continued selenium supplementation, along with my other table full of supplements, is making a big difference. I have more energy and desire to accomplish things than I have in ages. Possibly a year.
The down side is, it makes me reflect back on the progress I didn’t make this year, and my conditioned response is to berate myself for not doing better. For not being able to do better. For not figuring the answer out sooner. For not fighting harder.
I’m very disturbed by this reaction.
Why is my first reaction always self-hatred? Ok, I know the answer to that one, I just don’t like it. It’s programming. Somehow we’re always supposed to give %150 of every thing we do all the time, despite the complete impossibility of doing any such thing.
I usually react to this in one of two ways. One is to get depressed all over again and need to withdraw because I can’t deal with it. As my minerals get better balanced this happens less.
The other way is to get angry. Really angry. In part because I am very, very tired of trying to meet an imposed set of standards that don’t matter. And in part because I am so very, very, verrrrrrry tired of having to do this alone.
I have a doctors appointment this week, can you tell? I always get very worked up before them, even though I really like the one I’m working with now. I like her, but the amount she’s been able to help me is limited. Western medicine has become entirely about boxes, and I don’t, and can’t, fit into one. Why didn’t a selenium deficiency show up on my blood work? For the same reason I wasn’t diagnosed with a thyroid issue until I was in my 30s I assume. They don’t look in the right place. Our medicine is looking for major diversions, single causes, one broken place instead of a thousand tiny cracks.
Oh well, at lease I’ll get refills on the few medications that help hold back the tide.