I have felt so miserable since last October. Constant pain and lethargy, the smallest activity hurt and exhausted me. And it just kept on and on and on, no matter what I tried, what changes I made. No wonder I haven’t been blogging about it right? It was all too depressing.
But, as with all horrible and depressing experiences, I learned something important.
All my life I’ve felt the need to be thin. It would let me fit in better. I would have more opportunities. I’d be healthier. I’d finally be allowed to feel good about myself. It could change everything, right?
But none of that matters.
What matters is I have consistently held myself back from enjoying what is, in favor of what might/could be in the future.
All I can do now is sit here blinking-wide eyed at myself for having taken so very long, and having needed such a very harsh lesson to learn to be grateful for what I have and to learn to enjoy the moment, the journey.
To give thanks every damn day that getting out of bed doesn’t hurt. Every day to enjoy what I can, instead of always wishing for what I want.
It seems so painfully obvious written out like that. But reading it, even intellectually knowing it, isn’t the same as living it and owning it.
It’s all clear and fresh in my mind right now. There are still some lingering pain issues, still some things I can’t do yet, but just seeing progress after such an endless time of barely treading water feels like a genuine miracle.
I hope that by writing it all out for myself, I’ll be able to remember the magic and the lesson when the future comes and it’s no longer a wonderful surprise when standing up isn’t a challenge, and when I can once again enjoy walking in the woods, or even shopping until I’m finished instead of when I’m exhausted. I never want to have to go through this lesson again.
Every morning now I’m teaching myself to wake up and feel the joy of a new day and remember to be happy about the small things. I hope by the time the new fades, the joy will be a habit.