Sometimes I think the hardest part of having health problems isn’t the actually feeling bad part. That’s very draining, but you learn to deal with it and it becomes an unpleasant constant. What is really hard is the waiting.
I spent a lot of time waiting until I could find someone who would diagnose and treat me. Then I waited to see how the treatment would work. There was more waiting after I moved to find the right new doctor who was more interested in health and well being than test numbers.
With every doctor’s visit and blood test and medication change there is a hope that this time maybe things will be changing and feeling better might be just around the corner.
Sometimes it is, but often I find that no, that was another tiny but inconclusive step. Or sometimes it is a step backwards.
Right now I’m waiting for my body to recover from the corn starch in one of the medicines I hoped would make me better but made me worse instead. I forgot for a minute that I have to check everything, all the time, and I got caught. Something new. Not just body aches and an unhappy gut, but this time the inflammation caused tendonitis in my elbows of all things, usually only a problem for tennis players, which you might guess I am not.
I see very clearly why modern medicine has become so focused on the quick fix. I know it doesn’t work that way, but I really, really want one. Cold medicines that mask all symptoms, a pill for every headache, it just lets you get on with your life. There isn’t a whole lot of discussion of possible side effects. That advil is hard on your kidneys and disrupts your potassium balance. That not resting your body when it feels ill stresses your immune system that is already fighting to keep up. There is almost no attention given to what might have caused the problem in the first place.
I’m not really going anywhere in particular with this today. I was just sitting at my computer, planning my day around sore elbows and wondering how much energy I’ll have to get things done and thought I’d share some thoughts.
I’ve learned a lot about patience. I learned resourcefulness. I’ve learned tenacity. I’m not quite sure why I need quite so much of all those traits. I’m sure they’re all very valuable and will serve me well.
But some days, many days, I’d trade it all to feel joyful and energetic and strong.
I hope I’m on the right path to that, even though I seem to be taking the scenic route.