Last spring I asked this question:
My question is, why are we always so inclined to believe that we are at fault? That we aren’t trying hard enough, doing enough, believing enough. Why are we so mean to ourselves and always inclined to believe we’re slackers first, and fight back later, if ever? How did we get conditioned to behave this way.
It seems that I am here asking it again.
I haven’t been making the progress in my life, particularly in my business, that I’d like. I have house projects I’d like to be getting on top of, I have business ideas that I want to put out there and see what they can be, I still haven’t built as much of a social circle as I’d like. I haven’t really had the energy for it.
I’ve been trying very hard not to beat myself up about it. I’ve been doing what I feel that I can, not missing networking events, setting a certain lists of tasks to be done each day or week. I usually manage something I can live with. But there has been a lingering sense of disappointment in myself that I’m not as excited and busy as I think I could be.
Which brings me back to the question, why is my first thought that I’m a slacker, rather than any of the many other possibilities? Why am I willing to believe that I’m a slacker, when it’s patently obvious in many aspects of my life that I am NOT?
I got more test results from my latest doctor. The one I really like.
My vitamin D levels are low. Not dangerously so, but low vitamin D is definitely associated with both depression and inflammatory conditions.
My testosterone levels, as I already reported, were so low as to come in at <3, when 8 is the lowest the scale goes. Testosterone in women “…gives us motivation, assertiveness, a sense of power, feeling of well being and enhanced sex drive.”
The other one I just got back is DHEA. Which is 6.6 where 340 is the ideal range. Basically, another non-existent hormone. DHEA is another adrenal hormone which “…provides vitality and energy, sharpens the mind, and helps maintain normal sleep patterns.”
And this is all on top of the underactive thyroid, which is now being treated.
Why is it that I never had any of these tests before? Oh, because they test your TSH, decide that it is ‘normal’ and then decide you are either depressed or eating badly. I’m pretty sure it’s only my endless searching for the ‘right’ doctor has kept me off anti-depressants. As I suspected, it isn’t my brain that has the problem!
So the next time I have a stray thought about things I think I should be getting done (have I written about should-ing? I really…must) I’m going to try to stop and remind myself that, really, given the state of my hormones, it’s a miracle that I’m getting anything done at all.
Which brings me back to my original question. Why is it that the first thought is that I’m not up to snuff. Who taught me that? Why is that the default?
What is your default statement? Is it positive or negative? If it’s negative, are you working to overwrite it?