It only matters what works for you.

Too big? Too bad.

This weekend I had a wonderful Epiphany.

All my life I’ve been told I’m ‘too big’. Well, mostly they mean ‘too fat’. I’m not going to dispute that fat is a very accurate descriptive adjective for me. But ‘too big’ really encompasses so much more than that, and the programming doesn’t stick to what is meant, it’s always about what you internalize.

You think you’re so smart…

You always have to use those big words all the time…

You’re such a show off…

I never fit in. But I learned to play small to TRY. My poor little girl self never had any idea what it was she was doing that made everyone mad all the time. Didn’t everyone read books and increase their vocabulary? Wasn’t everyone smart enough to figure things out? Was doing your own thing really showing off? Was I really that intimidating at 8? 12? 18?

I don’t know what the truth was for anyone else, but I got a lot of feedback that told me I was too big, too much, too everything. That being big was unacceptable and I didn’t deserve to be myself. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Too bad.

Now that I have realized that I have been taught to play small? I am done. If you don’t like the amount of space I take up in the this world? Then I invite you to go be unhappy about it elsewhere. Because this is my space and I’m going to take as much as I want.

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Comments on: "Too big? Too bad." (3)

  1. This post brought a lump to my throat. I wasted years in an ED haze trying to ‘make myself small’ and hide away from people. I even lost the chance to have a successful career and have only recently realised that I am smart.

    It is disturbing to think of all the years people waste on this. Have you ever read ‘The Beauty Myth’ by Naomi Wolf? The author theorises that women are brainwashed into obsessing over their figure/diets/ food so that they will be kept weak and not fight for important things like equality. The fashion for thinness only came into vogue about the same time as the first wave of feminism. Wolf does not think this is a coincidence.

    • Thanks for sharing that Lynn. It is so sad what we can do to ourselves in the name of fitting in. And now we see that it’s pretty much universal since you are not in the states. How can we stop this from happening to the next generation?

      I haven’t read that book but I’ll put it on my list. As conspiracy theories go it isn’t all that wild. It certainly does keep us preoccupied.

  2. It’s a FAB book. I’d rate it as one of the best I’ve ever read. Sadly, body dysmorphia, eating disorders and body loathing are global problems…..

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